Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
