dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
