You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
