I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
