I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
