we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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