She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
