Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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