I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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