Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
