I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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