I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
