That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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