Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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