everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
