woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
