i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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