I wish I could teleport
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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