Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize