I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
