So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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