ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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