i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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