in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
