You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
