When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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