take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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