i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
