Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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