Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
