I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
