i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
