You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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