Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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