she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
