It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
