I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
