I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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