I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
