I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
