i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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