On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
