I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
