idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
