At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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