you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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