WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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