She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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