I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
