Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
