Please, let me fuck your mom
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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