I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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