He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
