where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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