census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
